DEAR JANE: I've uncovered a shocking secret about my boyfriend's family - telling him could ruin his life forever

Dear Jane,

I've stumbled across some very uncomfortable information about my boyfriend's family and I'm really unsure of what I should do with this secret.

In the six years that we've been dating, my boyfriend has never really talked about his mom. All I knew is that she left his dad when he was a baby, and has never tried to get in touch with him or have a relationship with him. He's always seemed really cut up about it whenever it's come up in conversation, so I've never really tried to push the subject.

Everyone else in his family treats his mom like she's Voldemort from Harry Potter – they don't say her name, they just refer to her as 'that woman' whenever she's mentioned, and the general feeling seems to be that she committed an unforgivable sin in leaving my boyfriend and his dad behind.

As you can no doubt guess, it's a topic I've always steered clear of, although a part of me has desperately wanted to find out more details, simply because it was such a sensitive topic, and it seemed to me like there might be more to the story.

Recently I met someone through work who actually went to high school with my boyfriend's mom and dad.

When I mentioned who my boyfriend was, she immediately asked what I thought about 'that scandal' concerning his parents 'all those years ago'. I assumed she was talking about his mom leaving, and told her as such – only for her to get this confused look on her face, before she insisted that wasn't what had happened at all.

According to her my boyfriend's father was incredibly jealous throughout their relationship, and when she told him she was pregnant, he accused her of cheating on him, and insisted that the baby couldn't be his.

He threw her out of their home, while she was pregnant, and told her he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. He told his family that she'd cheated and that the baby wasn't his, and they all cut her off completely.

After she gave birth, she asked him to do a DNA test, but he refused. Apparently, a few weeks after my boyfriend was born, she took her own her life, and her parents brought her baby – my boyfriend – to his dad, and asked him to take in his son. He agreed, reluctantly, and from what I gather, decided to tell his family that she had dumped the baby on him and fled.

I really don't know how to make any sense of this. There's obviously a chance that my colleague has got the whole story wrong, and that it's just the result of conspiracy theories and gossip, but if it's true… my boyfriend has basically been sold a lie his entire life.

I don't want to bring it up to him without having all the facts because I know this will change his life forever. And I can't stand the idea of breaking his heart without knowing 100 per cent that it's true.

So where do I go from here?

From,

Secrets and Lies

Dear Secrets and Lies,

The weight of secrets is a heavy one indeed. I'm so sorry that you are carrying this burden, and have thought long and hard about what a difficult situation you are in.

Right now you're the only one outside of the family who knows a different version of the story. 

We don't know that it's necessarily the truth, only that it is a very different tale to the one your boyfriend has been told. The added tragedy of the mother taking her own life makes this even more complicated, and I come back to wondering what actions would create the least harm.

There is a version of this where you say nothing, letting your boyfriend maintain his relationship with his father and his father's family, continuing to feel pain whenever the subject of his mother comes up. 

His pain at being rejected is likely to have colored his entire life, and as hard as it may be to bring this up with him, as much discord as it is may create in his family, I think it is an enormously unfair disservice to have had him spend his whole life believing he was abandoned by his mother.

The truth – if indeed it is the truth - is hard. 

I do think you are right to tell him the story you have heard, not as the truth, but as another version that he can then discuss with his father and family. Remind him that everyone, all of us, are doing the best we can with the knowledge that we have.

And remember that rather than break his heart, uncovering the story, learning that his mother loved him deeply, may in fact repair a heart that has always been broken.

Dear Jane,

I am 56 and have two adult children whom my husband and I have given a great deal of care and love to over the years. However, I was recently diagnosed with MS, so my husband and I decided to move to Greece and retire early in the hopes that living a quieter life might help to ease my symptoms.

In preparation for our move we put both of our properties on the market – our house in which my husband and I were living, and an apartment that my son was living in. He had already told us that he wanted to relocate to Australia, so we didn't have any concerns about him being left without anywhere to go.

However, while my son was living in the property, we had put it in his name for legal reasons, with the understanding that it would always return to us when he found a home of his own.

After we sold our own home, my son offered to assist with the sale of the apartment so that we could move to Greece earlier, without having to wait around until the property had been bought by someone.

Last month, we received an offer, which we approved, and we were thrilled that all our loose ends were tied up as it were – and that we'd have some money in the bank to live off now that neither of us our working.

This week however, we got an email from our son, saying that the sale had been completed and that he had taken the money from it, and that he is taking it to start his new life in Australia.

We are absolutely heartbroken. Not only have we lost more than $100,000, but even worse we feel completely betrayed by our son, who is showing no remorse whatsoever for his actions, and seems to think he is entitled to this sum of money. 

It's so gut-wrenching and we are struggling to accept what he has done – let alone figure out whether we should pursue legal action here.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

From,

Greek Tragedy

Dear Greek Tragedy,

Betrayal is a terrible thing to live with, and never more so when it is by your child.

I wonder how clear everyone's expectations are. You say that you put the apartment in your son's name for legal reasons, but I wonder whether he was aware of the understanding that it would be returned to you.

So often we have these enormous fall-outs because of a lack of communication. 

You say that your son is showing a lack of remorse, but I don't know how clear your conversations have been.

I also don't know where you stand legally. Putting the property in your son's name without any additional legal agreement that clearly states the nature of this transaction, does not seem to me to be a strong legal position. It is worth finding out from an expert.

It does seem terribly unfair, but I also understand that it may well have seemed to your son that you were gifting him the apartment, so of course he would be entitled to the money.

Money will always sour a relationship, even with the people we love the most. It is a lot of money, and I hate to see you lose it, but I think that your lives may be easier if you accept that the bigger mistake was made by the two of you when you put the apartment in his name without a clear legal contract of what that meant.

I hope that time heals the very real wounds you are feeling.