BEL MOONEY: My leering husband makes me despair for all women

Dear Bel,

I’m 40, married for 15 years, with two teenagers. Since the age of 17 I’ve been on anti-depressants.

The primary sources of my depression are perfectionism, leading to a poor body image and low self-worth. I grew up understanding that as a female, my value is determined by my desirability to men.

The media, as well as my experience observing men, have solidified this belief. But I feel guilty because my experiences for the most part were no worse than other women’s, and I don’t know why I’m so immensely hurt about being objectified. I am disappointed in men generally. Given the history of relationships between men and women I am ­pessimistic that anything will change. That leads me to feeling hopeless, which leads to depression.

My husband used to watch porn regularly (maybe three times per week), which hurt. In our early 20s I asked him to quit, and he agreed. He’s promised and lied many times throughout our marriage. I don’t think he watches it as regularly as he used to, but don’t know for sure.

As I get older, porn stars stay young, and all my worries creep up on me. While he still has no issues performing in bed, I worry this will change. He’s told me, “You don’t have to worry what you look like when we’re old because we won’t be having sex anyway”. He admits he checks out every woman he sees and says he can’t control his thoughts but is careful about his actions.

I’ve tried therapy for years with no luck. My ­husband doesn’t like to talk about our issues. I ­suspect he’s very mildly autistic, with no time for emotions.

If something can’t be solved, he ignores it — whereas I ruminate my way into a tunnel of darkness. In our society sexism and the objectification of women are normalised. How do I live happily with a man who is just like all the others?

NICOLE

Bel Mooney replies: A few years ago, after the terrifying rape and murder of one young woman in London, I weighed into an online argument about whether all men have the potential to treat women with cruelty.

There was a hashtag campaign, ‘Not all Men’ — which many women objected to in the most ferocious terms, arguing that it really is ALL men.

I need to tell you I joined in as a feminist who (at the same time) believes it is absolutely heinous to suggest that ‘All men are rapists’, or whatever other phrase militant women come up with to condemn a whole sex.

The stereotypes insult all the decent men throughout the world who do not ‘objectify’ women — or worse. Imagine how women would feel if it were ­suggested ‘All girls are sluts’ or some similar slander. I do find your entirely negative view of the male sex disturbing and saddening.

In the past I’ve written extensively about pornography and believe that the addiction caused by the readily available porn online is one of the most vile aspects of modern life.

Some women do access porn and even find it arousing (something I can’t begin to comprehend), but men are four times more likely to report having watched pornography in the past month. Men in their 30s and 40s report the most frequent use of pornography. That group includes your husband.

I entirely sympathise with the distress this has caused you, but also wonder what happened to trigger the depression at 17 — and whether it was caused by ­insulting behaviour by a boy (or boys) you knew.

Such questions must have been explored in your ‘years’ of ­therapy. So I confess I’m rather at a loss as to how to help. Your final question seems unanswerable, given all you shared about your views on men in general and about your ­husband in particular.

Most women would surely say that it must be well-nigh impossible ‘to live happily’ with a man who lied about using porn, showed no sympathy for your chronic lack of confidence and anxiety about ageing, and who flatly refuses to discuss emotions.

My natural next step would be to suggest very seriously that the two of you need to attend couples counselling. But the likelihood of a man like your husband agreeing to such a step is surely remote.

Since you have two children still at school I cannot but wonder what effect the atmosphere in your home might be having on them. So is the welfare of his two children something your husband might be willing to discuss? Your longer letter tells me your ­daughter is 14; does she ever talk to you about boys?

Have you ever tried asking your husband what he would feel if she were to be sexualised – that is, stared at, as he stares at women?

Your letter (so painful to read) concentrates on your own mental state and your ­husband’s ­attitudes.

I can only suggest that instead you focus on your ­children, both for their sake and as a means of finding a way into proper ­discussion with your husband.

Why was I left out by ex-work pals?

Dear Bel,

Last year, along with several other ­colleagues, I was suddenly made ­redundant. I had worked with some of these ladies for nearly 20 years.

We had socialised out of work and I thought our friendship group could be relied on to help us though the ­difficult months.

A couple managed to retire but most of us had to try to secure new jobs.

I know we all retreated to lick our wounds and our WhatsApp group was not as busy with news as before, but I was sure we would soon all be settled and meet up for a reunion lunch.

Instead, purely by chance (a message sent to me in error) I discovered the group had already met up and I had not been invited. I have managed to ­message them individually and each one blames another for not ­inviting me.

I can’t help but feel hurt by what has happened. I was especially close to a couple of them as our children are the same age. The hurt is consuming my thoughts and affecting my sleep.

I’m feeling so betrayed. I keep asking myself what have I done? Why have they left me out? No matter how much I have asked no one will tell me.

JANET

Bel Mooney replies: Reading your sad email is a reminder of how many people are careless, brutal even, about the feelings of others, and how easily they discard friendships when it is no long convenient.

Behind that sweeping statement is a painful awareness that there have been times in my life when I’ve been as guilty as anybody else. Excuses can always be made: life moves on, we are all busy, families make demands, life-changes necessitate readjustments, and so on. And they can all be true.

Yet we need to ask ourselves how would I feel if I discovered that people I thought liked me had left me out of social events?

Would I shrug it off? Or feel wounded? That’s what people mean by ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’. I hope that perhaps, after reading this, some kind people might make the effort to contact somebody they know in their hearts they have neglected.

But supposing the neglect just is careless not cruel? What if a group of women, preoccupied with their own lives, genuinely thought somebody else contacted the one left out?

It can happen. I hear you protesting that I’m being far-fetched, but my job is not to stoke your hurt. Instead I say that it’s possible to re-set our minds (this the theory behind Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and change behaviour.

You have been telling yourself that your former colleagues don’t like you, and your response to the understandable hurt is to cross-examine and accuse them, asking why.

I’m sure everybody reading this will understand your feelings, as I do. Yet this obsessive hurt is sucking you into a black hole of unhappiness, which will only get deeper and darker if you allow it to increase. So you need to effect a change.

When I saw cognitive behavioural therapist Jo Pitkin last summer, she gave me a short summing up of a vital process: Hope – Choice – Control. Let’s apply it to you.

1 Instead of remaining convinced that your friends have treated you cruelly because they don’t like you, you now fix your mind firmly on the hope that they are telling the truth, and it was all a mistake.

2 So now, you realise, you have a choice about how you respond. It ought to become clear that the choice is between carrying on as you’ve been doing – which is flaying yourself before them. Or presenting them with a different message.

3 The third stage is controlling the language you use to yourself and to them. To yourself you say, ‘Now I remember, there were many times when they were inefficient at work. So this is probably par for the course.’ To them you say, ‘OK, not to worry, mistakes happen – and now I’m really looking forward to see you all again.’

If I were you I’d choose your favourite person from the bunch and suggest a one-to-one meet up.

No more questions. No more accusations, No more showing your pain.

You might have to perform, but the best way forward for you is to act not hurt anymore. That’s the way to make it true.