Bristol Bears director of rugby Pat Lam urges stars to ditch social media and 'just focus on the people who love you', ahead of a high-stakes West Country derby against Gloucester

'Now close your eyes,' says Pat Lam. We are hand-to-hand across the table, as if holding a high-five in place. The aim is to try to remain in contact when he suddenly moves his hand.

Bristol's director of rugby is demonstrating an exercise he does with his players. The purpose is to make them pay full attention, by not being able to see, so there are limited outside distractions. 'Easy,' he says, when it duly works.

'See what happened there? When your eyes are open, there are so many distractions. The moment you close your eyes, you can really focus on what you need to do. I say to the guys, 'Close your eyes and think of the first person that comes into your head; the person who loves and believes in you. Tell me how you feel when you think of that person'.

'They started doing that and I said, 'Now, capture that in one word'. The words they came up with were 'strong', 'powerful', 'loved', 'happy', 'grateful', 'blessed'. All these words came out and I read them out. It felt good, hearing those words.'

Here is the current relevance of the exercise. 'I said to the players, 'This is what life is about — when you focus on social media and what other people are saying, you can't do what you want to do. Just focus on the people who love you and believe in you'.'

His message resonates, this week in particular. Owen Farrell has stepped back from England duty to protect his and his family's mental well-being and it has sent shockwaves around the rugby community. It has created a sudden awareness of the scrutiny and pressure players face. The same applies to coaches and directors of rugby, like Lam.

His Bears face Gloucester at Ashton Gate on Saturday, hoping to halt a five-match losing streak in the Premiership, which has left them eighth. Bristol's impressive financial backing creates expectation, but Lam copes with being at the sharp end of it. The former Samoa star has long since learned to listen to those who matter, and ignore everything else.

Asked who he thinks of during the focus exercise, his reply is emphatic. 'One hundred per cent my wife,' he says. 'And the word that comes to mind is 'loved'.

'Steph and I met when I was 17 and she was 15. We've been together for 36 years. She's the first on the phone, just to say 'love you'. We've got five kids. This is why I do what I do. If she said, 'Pat, we've got to go', I'd leave.

'I think of what we've been through,' says Lam. 'Back to the old days in Samoa when I was a teacher and she was a nurse. We had kids. I would take off on six-week tours, then come back and I'd be training in the morning, then teaching. We hardly saw each other. I was going to give up rugby after the 1995 World Cup. I said to her, 'There's no way I can leave you at home with two kids'. Then rugby went professional so I was able to keep going.

'I came to Newcastle, Northampton, all over the place, but every place I have gone with her. She is amazing. There are others but her and our faith; those are the consistent things.

'I've had times like this before when we've lost games, and I've come out the other end. My job is to get everyone through it and set the right example. My message is always: stay calm.'

Lam is 55 and says that when he reached 50, he felt 'the best I've felt in my life'. He can filter out the noise. He tries to share that message with his players regarding social media. 'I can't stop them going on social media, but I encourage them to do that,' he says. 'A couple of players came to me recently and said, 'It works. I'm off it. I feel better — and I've got a lot of time, more energy'.'

Gloucester are also trying to end a five-match losing run and Lam has empathy towards his opposite number.

'I've become friends with a lot of coaches, I have a relationship with George Skivington,' he says. 'When he came in, he had a couple of tough moments and I said, 'Hang in there, believe in what you are doing'. I had the same from people like Ian McGeechan and Wayne Smith. We have to support each other, only coaches know what we go through.'

There is another pertinent point Lam makes about the pressure in sport. 'One of the things that has changed is sports betting,' he says. 'When I was coaching the Auckland Blues, the New Zealand Herald put a story out about someone who had put 50 grand on us to beat the Hurricanes. 

'We were winning, but they scored in the last minute to win. Picture that person now. Everything is riding on that and how angry you are if you've lost a lot of money on a passage of play. That has a big impact on players.'

Bristol are showing signs of a turn-around. They ran Saracens close last Saturday and Lam was enthused by the response of his senior players, to set a positive tone for what is a high-stakes West Country derby on Saturday.

Win or lose, he will stay calm and feel loved. Today, that message carries real weight.