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Rugby league legend Tawera Nikau has opened up about the emotional reason he told doctors to amputate his leg instead of saving it, just 18 months after his wife's tragic suicide.
Nikau inspired the Melbourne Storm to their first grand final win in 1999, but his greatest struggles in life have come off the field.
In 2001, the former Kiwis lock lost his wife Letitia to suicide while the family was based in England.
'I had gone to pick my son up from school – he was at cricket training. I came back home and it had just gone dark but I noticed the light was on in the garage,' Nikau told News Corp.
'I went around the back to turn the light off and my wife had taken her life. It was the most horrific thing you could ever experience.
'It was very traumatic and challenging, bringing up two young children at the time. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.
'You go through this whole rollercoaster of emotions about what happened – anger, guilt, frustration. For me, it was about trying to get my head around why.
'Letitia was a beautiful mother. My children didn't want for anything, they had a beautiful lifestyle, travelled the world, so it was hard for them to be bought up without a mum. I was in a dark hole. Losing someone through suicide is tough, but adversity makes you stronger.'
Melbourne Storm hero Tawera Nikau has opened up about why he made the decision to have his leg amputated after doctors explained how they would try to save the limb
Nikau, who played 53 games for Melbourne, lost his wife to suicide in 2001 while he was playing football in England
Nikau says that getting counselling afterwards was key to keeping his life on track, but things would get more challenging for the footy star in 2003 when he came off his motorbike on New Zealand's north island.
He was told by doctors that they could save his leg, but he'd need to spend the best part of two years in hospital.
Nikau decided that his two kids couldn't be without a parent for that long, so he made an agonising decision.
'My kids had been through a tough time losing their mum and I didn't want to be away from them for possibly another 18 months. Who was going to look after them? What would life look like?' he said.
'So I made the decision to get the leg amputated. It was the best thing I ever did. The doctor said: "Mr Nikau, if you cut the leg off just below the knee, you'll be out of hospital in three weeks". That was the good news.
'My mum was next to me in the hospital and I asked her what I should do. 'It's your bloody leg, you can do whatever you want — I told you not to buy that bloody motorbike.' I got no sympathy.
Nikau was involved in a road accident in 2003, injuring his right leg so badly that doctors told him he'd have to be hospitalised for up to two years to save it
The former footy hard man, who played 378 first-grade games, has adapted well to life with a prosthetic leg
Nikau needed to be with his two kids after his wife Letitia's death (pictured together)
'I was out of hospital within two weeks and running in six to seven weeks. After losing my wife, losing half a leg was nothing. I still go hunting, fishing and everything else. The only thing I can't do is run as fast as I used to.'
Nikau has since remarried and has two daughters with his new wife. He will also be attending Sunday's NRL grand final where his old club take on the Penrith Panthers.
'After losing my wife, losing half a leg was nothing,' he said.
'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. The quality of life you ultimately enjoy isn't determined by what has happened to you, but by your attitude towards it, and what you decide to do about it.'
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