STEPHEN McGOWAN: Woe betide Southgate if England fail to end 58 years of hurt this time around

PAUL MERSON is a warning to Gareth Southgate of what lies in wait if he fails to win another major tournament. For the manager of England, Euro 2024 is a double-edged sword.

Scratch the 58-year itch and he’ll be summoned to the palace for a tap on the shoulder from the King.

Fail to lead the most gifted group of players in a generation to swashbuckling glory and the Sword of Damocles will come scything down and take the head clean off his shoulders. Cheered on by a baying mob of pundits and fans who think Southgate should be locked in the tower if he fails to end England’s tenure as the nearly men of world football.

Sky Sports stalwart Merson wears his heart on his sleeve when it comes to his nation’s chances, claiming he’d be ‘shocked, amazed’ if they fail to win it.

‘Who can beat us?’ he asked, before remembering that lad called Mbappe across the channel.

‘Maybe France. But when we played last time it was a close game with Harry Kane missing a penalty. If he scored that, there would have been only one winner.’

While Scots reached for the mute button on the remote and started chucking stuff at the telly, the former Arsenal winger doubled down with his Jimmy Hill tribute act.

‘No team can live with England over a month of football. We’ll have players on the bench that would walk into any other team.’

As a rule, fans in Scotland, Wales and Ireland don’t take this stuff well. That’s not the fault of Southgate, an England manager so thoughtful, decent and measured in what he says even the SNP couldn’t take offence. Or, for that matter, the players whose ability should be appreciated by supporters of all nations and none.

Jude Bellingham, Kane, Phil Foden, Bukayo Saka and Cole Palmer represent their finest array of attacking talent in a generation. You don’t have to support England to see how good they are.

Marcus Rashford, Jordan Henderson and Ben Chilwell failed to make the provisional squad, never mind the final 26. Even Jack Grealish, Harry Maguire and James Maddison were cut loose on Thursday.

All of those players would walk into the Scotland starting XI. You don’t have to be one of Steve Clarke’s Negative Normans to acknowledge that Southgate’s side will be digging in for the long haul when Andy Robertson and Co are heading home to pack a suitcase and hit the beach.

One VAR decision or a penalty shoot-out could still see all that talent go to waste, though. Every time an England team gets to within 12 yards of claiming their pound of flesh, another Shakespearean tragedy unfolds. Their shirts become wet wipes for the waterfall of tears which tumble from the eyes of the latest national scapegoat.

If he’s sensible, Southgate will pack pills to tackle the travel sickness which grips his teams every time they journey to the knockout stages of a major tournament.

The comforts of Wembley — and Russian linesmen — seem to suit them fine. Pack them on a plane overseas and they develop a chronic dose of Benidorm Belly.

In a run stretching back to Mexico 1970, the Three Lions have stumbled in the knock-out rounds against Argentina (twice), Germany (three times), Brazil, Portugal, Croatia and France. For a nation of their size and influence, it’s a poor record.

They were unfortunate to crash out against France in Qatar and, with Mbappe in the money after his £12million-a-year move to Real Madrid and the exquisite Antoine Griezmann pulling the strings, the French will pose the biggest threat once again.

Argentina bounced back from losing the opening game at the World Cup to triumph in the final and, with any luck, Germany will be forced to do the same.

If the bomb drops during the Euros, the only survivors will be cockroaches and Croatia dragging Armageddon into extra time. Even if they’re in a group of death with an Italy team capable of stopping global warming and the transitional three-time winners Spain.

Paul Merson has already dismissed the lot of them, of course. And, this time, he just might be right.

Cope with the pressure and expectation being piled on their shoulders and this is the one for England; the tournament where they travel to Germany, slay the demons of the last six decades and expose the nation to a summer of Skinner and Baddiel on a repetitive loop.

Woe betide Southgate and his waistcoat if they find yet another way to mess things up.

Clubs’ troubles highlight need for a regulator

IT’S been a bad week for opponents of an independent regulator for Scottish football.

Grilled by members of the Health, Social Care and Sport Committee in January, SFA chief executive Ian Maxwell claimed the game didn’t need one.

This week, however, Inverness Caledonian Thistle confirmed the threat of insolvency after scrapping their plans to move their training base 135 miles south to Kelty in Fife.

Edinburgh City, meanwhile, have no ground to play in, struggle to pay players and are running out of time to file the audited accounts sought by the SFA in return for a bronze licence. Without one they’re done for. Ben Affleck and J-Lo have a more secure future than Dumbarton under their current owners.

And let’s not forget Livingston, a club embroiled in more legal disputes than Donald Trump. The Court of Session will be asked to resolve the club’s endless ownership struggle hours before Scotland play Germany in the opening game of Euro 2024. Lord Braid might be the only man facing a longer day than Angus Gunn.

Everyone has heard the rumours of undesirables lurking in the shadows, using community football clubs for their own ends. If the SFA and SPFL won’t shine a light on game’s darkest recesses, it’s time they stood aside and allowed an independent regulator to do the job instead.

Rangers need CEO who can play politics

WHEN John Bennett retired from the City to seek a simpler life, a stint as executive chairman of Rangers probably wasn’t what he had in mind.

An intelligent, impressive figure, Bennett has stepped into the breach at Ibrox after chief executive James Bisgrove left for Saudi.

And once he has secured a hefty compensation figure, he’ll turn his attention towards finding a replacement.

A canny, shrewd politician who knows his or her way around the corridors of Scottish football should be top of the list.

For too long, Rangers spent their time fighting the world. When they should have been winning hearts and minds, they alienated the very clubs they needed to back them in a vote. It was brainless politics.

Bennett will seek to put a few things right during his time in charge. The club’s medical department needs fixing and there’s yet another squad rebuild to oversee hand-in-hand with Philippe Clement and head of recruitment Nils Koppen.

Nothing matters more than developing a player-trading model capable of giving Celtic a run for their money on the pitch.

But finding a new chief executive who knows how to outmanoeuvre their bitter rivals off it comes a very close second.