Dear BEL MOONEY: My American wife and I have said some very unflattering things about my family - now two of them are seriously ill. Should I let bygones be bygones?

Our brilliant agony aunt Bel Mooney has answered thousands of reader letters. But what if the rich and famous turned to her peerless advice to solve their problems? In a new column starting today for Mail+, we imagine – tongue firmly in cheek – what those letters might say and Bel gives her answer as she would to any other reader. Stars – listen up!

Dear Bel,

I hope you can help with a tricky family dispute. Nearly six years ago, after years of being a bachelor, I married a beautiful, smart and successful American woman, with whom I now have two children. Unfortunately though, I felt my family didn’t warm to her and eventually, in despair over their treatment of her I moved my family to America to forge a new life away from the heavy duties back home. Relations with my family soured further – both my wife and I have said some very unflattering and damaging things about them – and now we hardly see one another. I’ve just had the news however that two of them are seriously ill – should I let bygones be bygones and forget my bad blood with them, or is the damage done?

Yours,

Harry

Dear Harry,

How to forgive is – very, very often – the worst of problems within a family. All too often, both sides in a quarrel think they are right and will not step back one inch from that confrontational stance. So it interests me that you seem to take the blame here, admitting that both you and your wife have said horrible things about your family in the past, but not supplying any detail of equally bad things your family may have said in public about you.

Therefore I can only assume they have been silent. And that would, I’m afraid, lead any neutral person to deduce that all the aggression – the process of souring – has come from you and your beautiful wife. That’s a great pity.

In my experience, family disputes are often made much worse because of the input of the in-law in the case. Honestly, I’ve had many letters from sad parents (and siblings) in despair because a previously loving son (or brother) seems to be led by his new wife. The hurt can be dreadful.

It’s as if the wife, loving though she may be, instinctively wishes to distance her husband from the family that loves him. I’ve always believed that deep insecurity – even jealousy – causes this wish, but whatever the cause, she is most unwise to turn the blood ‘bad’. Because at some stage most people estranged from families find themselves secretly longing to make up. To step back into the family nest. So if hitherto dear family members become seriously ill, that’s surely the cue to swallow pride, climb down from that self-righteous high horse, and whisper, ‘I’m so sorry’. Those simple words become harder and harder to say as time goes by.

Serious illness should make us all realise how short time is. Now the double-whammy of your worrying news should be the moment for a real rapprochement. The vital question is – are you truly sorry? You can only be forgiven if your regret is genuine, and honestly expressed. But that takes courage. As I read it, those dear sick members of your once-close family uttered no ‘unflattering and damaging things’ about you and your wife, so now is the time for you to be brave and show that you care about them. It occurs to me it might be wise to allow your wife to think this her own idea. Perhaps you could make her understand that true repentance, expressed publicly, can be a beautiful thing – and attract widespread praise. Can bygones ever really be bygones? No, because harsh words and fibs are never forgotten – but if you are very lucky they may be forgiven.