How COULD Meatball Ron miss such an open goal? Greasy Gavin shamelessly dodged every killer fact Hannity hit him with... and DeSantis let him get away with it. Now read KENNEDY's merciless verdict

Did someone dose my chamomile last night or did we really watch two big state governors go toe-to-toe in a substantive debate over the issues that actually matter to America?

It wasn't a dream!

Governors Gavin Newsom – who is clearly not running for president (wink!) – and Ron DeSantis duked it out in front of my friend Sean Hannity over issues ranging from COVID lockdowns and homelessness to barely blurred cartoon porn and poop maps.

Sure, it wasn't the Lincoln-Douglas debates, but I'll take what I can get.

Right off the bat, Newsom summed up what we were thinking: 'What are we all doing here?'

The answer for the slick string bean (who always seems to be doing a creepy Patrick Bateman impression) is drawing a clear contrast between himself and our aging, ashen Commander-in-Chief, President Stumblebum.

Newsom claims he's not running for the top job, but as we learned last night you can't exactly believe the words flowing from between those gleaming white chompers.

Governor Hair Putty has been to China and Israel (not to mention Iowa and Florida) un-selling himself as the next Leader of the Free World. This 'Great Red State/Blue State Debate' allowed Grinning Gavin to opine on national issues in front of a massive audience of potential voters.

He got to finger wag, name-call and pontificate; all the while cheerleading for the Biden/Harris ticket like he wouldn't elbow them both off the Golden Gate Bridge and pretend he was sneezing.

DeSantis on the other hand had much more to lose. It doesn't look particularly presidential to debate someone who isn't officially running. But by landing the right philosophical jabs Ron could conceivably re-frame his dragging campaign by deftly taking on an able ideological nemesis.

And that's exactly what last night offered – the debate America deserved.

It was the first time post-COVID that we heard from two major politicians after collecting the data to inform us on how badly we've suffered over the last four years.

Distrust in government grew when we were told to shut up and stay inside, especially in California where Greasy Gavin dined at fancy pants French Laundry while his mask-mandated citizenry huddled over Hungry-mans.

Now in the glare of hindsight, America sees that COVID death rates in the two states were almost identical even though vastly different restrictions were in place. 

California was a Tony Fauci-ian nightmare, while Florida's blue hairs roamed free.

Now the Golden State grapples with a net population loss of 750,000 residents over the past two years compared to the Sunshine state's 450,000-person gain.

Them's the facts. But when the going got tough - Gavin squirmed, deflected, and outright lied. Viewers might've felt like they overdosed on pharmaceutical grade delusion.

Taking a page out of President Donald Trump's playbook, Newsom accused DeSantis of, '[closing] down your beaches, your bars, your restaurants. It is a fact.'

Not 'a fact.'

Ron never ordered his sandy shores closed. He did bolt the doors on hotspots in the virus's early days, but opened them up earlier than most governors in the spring of 2020. Meanwhile, half of California's restaurants went out of business for good.

Newsom also can't refute that his state bowed to the teachers' unions who bilked the feds out of $200 billion in mostly unused 'relief', as they goosestepped all over kids and parents with Fauci's blessing 'out an abundance of caution.'

On illegal immigration, Ron skewered Da Ali Gavin with the flaming hot poker of Biden's failed border policies which allow millions – including thousands from Iran, Afghanistan and Syria and an untold number of terrorists – to illicitly enter the country.

Newsom? 'When [DeSantis] was in Congress, he supported amnesty.'

Objection – relevance? And wrong to boot.

Congressman Ron voted to offer legal status to DACA recipients - kids brought to the U.S. illegally by their parents. So that's another nasty smear, Gav.

But the bad trip really started to set in when the Newsomian doublespeak turned to Bidenomics.

He touted low black unemployment, yet black voters are voting Republican in higher numbers because, like most Americans, they feel their quality of life declining.

Violent crime and homelessness are all worse in California, but to hear Gooey Gavin tell it he's lording over the safest, most home-ful state in the union.

'Human feces is now a fact of life,' said DeSantis holding up a map of San Francisco – a Map of the Stars from Hell – documenting everywhere in the city someone has relieved themselves.

Worst of all, despite Hannity's best efforts, Newsom never answered the damn question, and - most disappointingly - DeSantis never seized on the opportunity to hammer home just how oily the handsome governor really is.

Yes, Ron blasted Newsom's 'slick and slippery…blizzard of lies,' but he was too stiff and failed to paint Gavin for what he is: the latest in a long line of shameless leftists, who will do or say anything.

Did this debate breathe new life into DeSantis 2024? Sadly, no.

And the biggest load of hot turds last night came when Governor Pants on Fire was asked about Biden's age and ability.

Hannity to the Governors: How would you grade President Biden?

Ron: Big Fat F.

Newsom: A.

You could almost hear Biden bellowing from the bowels of the White House: 'COME ON MAN! Even I know you're are a lying dog-faced pony soldier!'

Newsom to DeSantis: 'I'd take Biden at 100 over you.'

Sick burn, you friggin' sycophant! 

Clearly Newsom doesn't believe anything he says - not about lockdowns or the economy or Biden/Harris or his phony outrage over the pronunciation of the Vice President's name ('It's KAH-muh-luh! How dare you!!').

This debate was a roadmap to 2024 for Republicans. Hold the Dems' darn feet to the fire, because when COVID hit they went full authoritarian and the country is still paying the price.

Unfortunately for Ron – he may not be the man to make that case.

And Gavin – I wouldn't start measuring the Oval Office drapes just yet.