Inside the mind of a sexual submissive as she reveals error people make once their wildest fantasies are unleashed

WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT

Sonnet believes she was always turned on by violent sex and subjugation.

Even as young as eight years old, she remembers having fantasies that were loosely based on the Bible stories she heard in her religious home.

But, instead of picturing herself as Mary Magdalene - who washed Christ's feet with her hair - or the Queen of Sheba, from the Old Testament's sexually charged Song of Solomon, she would imagine being stoned for a sin she couldn't quite understand, or the public humiliation of being dressed in sackcloth and ashes and paraded through the streets.

In her book, Submit, she writes that it was only as an adult - with her extremely understanding and adventurous boyfriend, Max - that she discovered the BDSM underworld, a place where she could finally unleash her wildest fantasies in real life.

And her inspiration was Less 50 Shades of Grey and more the swashbuckling hero of Hornblower. 

Hers is not the only book currently exploring women's sexual desires. Gillian Anderson's Want has curated anonymous letters from women all over the world, describing their deepest, raciest fantasies. And for some of her contributors it's the first time they've given voice to these wants.

But Sonnet (her pen name - she chose to write anonymously for obvious reasons) describes how her earliest explorations as a 'wide-eyed, excited, enthusiastic, curious and completely ignorant' kink newbie turned out to be nothing like she'd imagined.

'A fantasy in your mind is entirely under your control,' she writes. 'You are an omniscient puppet-master. It stops and starts when you feel like it, or at least when it really is time to go to work.

'When you begin to play with other people, there is a major unknown in the equation - them. The idea of 'acting out your fantasies' turned out to be a misnomer. You cannot act them out, you can communicate them to others and see if together you can use them as inspiration to create a new, unique experience between you.'

If you have a fantasy of, for instance, being tied up and blindfolded, in your head, it simply works, she says. But in reality, there are details to consider: What are you tied up with? Do silk scarves feel good? What about handcuffs? Where are your legs? Are the other person's hands big or small, rough or smooth? How many are there?

'And, most importantly of all, how do I say when I want it to stop and be sure that it will?'

But as she and Max met more people in that world, they learned about the language, the acronyms, and the etiquette involved. They also read a lot of books, and went to a ton of workshops.

'We thought a lot and talked a lot,' she says. 'We made mistakes and went to some absolutely awful events. We met some lifelong friends, and some singularly odd people.'

And as she explored, she discovered her own very specific turn-ons and turn-offs.

'I learned that most of my desires can be described as BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism), multiplayer (group sex), and exhibitionist (being knowingly watched). I liked playing with men, women and the non-binary equally. I learned that I had little interest in voyeurism (watching people unbeknownst to them) or fetish (particular objects or body parts).

'One of the loveliest lessons we learned was tolerance and acceptance. You might not want to p*** on me, and I might not want to dress up as an animal, but that doesn't mean we cannot respect each other's beautiful weirdness.

'And sometimes, things you might never have expected to like turn out to be your very favorites. How will you ever know unless you try?'

She also became convinced that, while many may find her sexual proclivities abhorrent, there are more people like her out there than are willing to admit.

She cites the largest survey of sexual desires ever in the US, by social psychologist Dr Justin J. Lehmiller, who reported that just four percent of women and seven percent of men had never had a BDSM fantasy.

'Sixty-three percent of women have forced-sex fantasies. Eighty-seven percent of women have group sex fantasies,' she writes. 'Forty-five percent of people fantasize about fetish objects, and forty-two percent about exhibitionism.'

However, she had never considered pain as a personal fetish until meeting a man she calls Anthony.

'Pain was interesting,' she writes. 'My secret submissive fantasies, before I ever started sharing them, had tended to be much more about humiliation. If I imagined being tied to a ship's mast and flogged (thanks, Hornblower), I wasn't fantasizing about the feeling of the whip destroying my skin; it was more about the people watching it happen to me.

'I wasn't sure if I was really into physical pain.'

But when Anthony asked if he could cane her, she surprised herself by saying yes.

'The first stroke was a huge shock,' she writes. 'The sound was earsplitting and I felt the pain ripple through my body. I was suddenly hot and clammy all over, and could feel the adrenaline coursing through me. I straightened up in shock.

'No,' he said calmly. 'Four more. You are fine.'

'Somehow, my body acquiesced.'

She had never realized she would relish the sexual pleasure that comes from pain, and says she grew to want more - offering her body to the increasingly violent blows of Anthony's collection of canes and whips, as he left red, swollen, painful welts on her body.

The re-telling makes difficult reading. But she writes: 'The more I saw Anthony, the more I trusted that, while he would test my boundaries and push me further, I would enjoy it; and that in reality, I would be entirely safe.

'For me, offering my skin to a cane-wielding dom is an act of trust.'

Controversially, she adds: 'I am not sure if it's really any more so than sharing my hopes, dreams or desires with a partner or friend.

'Both are extremely vulnerable places to be, and to me, both are definitely worth the risk.'

Submit by Sonnet is published by Grand Central Publishing