SARAH VINE: Charles must stop these pound-shop royals trashing the Monarchy's brand

I learned their story through Netflix.' That was the gushing welcome given to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex by Colombia's vice-president Francia Marquez as she greeted the pair on their latest unofficial official royal tour.

What an embarrassing admission. On that basis, maybe she'll make Meghan honorary justice secretary, given that she once starred in a legal drama, Suits.

Maybe Prince Harry, considering his self-confessed experiences with the old 'Colombian marching powder', can be found a useful role in that country's army. I jest, of course. But in many ways, Colombia is the perfect choice for the Sussexes in their waning quest to stay relevant. After all, it's a country keen to reinvent itself – much like the Duke and Duchess.

The new Left-wing government is desperate to gloss over some inconvenient truths – civil unrest, drug-trafficking, kidnappings, murders – hoping, instead, to promote a far more harmonious vision to attract rich, foreign investment and boost tourism.

Yet Colombia remains one of the world's most dangerous places. The land of one-time narco kingpin Pablo Escobar, it's where a large number of foreign tourists have been killed in the past three years, many victims of drugs and prostitution rackets. The age of consent is a regressive 14, making it a magnet for sex tourists.

But, as seen from their 'royal' tour of Nigeria (another country where human rights, apparently so close to the Sussexes' hearts, are treated with less respect than a disposable tissue), it would appear that Harry and Meghan are not overly squeamish when it comes to accepting hospitality.

Part of the attraction, I suppose, is that while countries such as Britain and, increasingly, the US, have grown weary of the couple's endless attention-seeking antics (personally I can't wait until they finally achieve their stated aim of living quietly out of the spotlight), in places like Colombia and Nigeria, their status as royal outliers is seen as presenting a perfect opportunity. 

Easily flattered and even more easily seduced by the trappings of fame, the couple are the ideal useful idiots for cunning politicians wishing to raise their profile.

It doesn't take an awful lot. The presidential-style security (in Colombia, they're accompanied by a man wielding a Kevlar shield), police outriders, fawning dignitaries, dancing with locals, visits to schools in deprived areas, planting trees, posing with ethnic artefacts – it's all laid on. Every vital (and much-missed) trapping of royalty and fame is laid on, with bells.

Meghan gets to do her special compassionate-kneeling-in-front-of-a-child shtick, and is photographed looking beatific with a carefully selected group of youngsters. Harry dances awkwardly with the natives and high-fives adoring teenagers.

His wife has the chance to wear her jewels and a selection of new outfits and say things such as 'connect with each other' – while everyone nods and applauds. They do one of their 'spur-of-the-moment', hand-on-knee PDAs.

It's just like old pre-Megxit times, but without any of the downsides. Almost as if they were still full-time working royals – only without any of the responsibility or the boring bits.

For example, having to talk to real members of the public (brrrr), or stand in the rain watching soldiers marching, or attend functions with other royals, some of whom (God forbid) might even be more senior than them. Or being expected to live in a cottage on the Windsor Estate with just a poxy 5,000 square feet of space.

In countries such as Colombia, see, they are still taken seriously, treated with respect – instead of being seen for what they are, a pair of entitled narcissists who think the world owes them a living. They get to revel in the status they clearly feel was so unfairly denied them when they (voluntarily) turned their backs on their official royal roles.

In other words, they have their cake and eat it. Which is why, I suspect, we'll see more and more such imitation royal tours.

After all, it doesn't look as though American Riviera Arachnid – or whatever their latest commercial venture is called – will set the world on fire. Thankfully for them, there's no shortage of dodgy regimes with deep pockets desperate for a bit of royal razzmatazz. 

These could never get the real thing, of course – but Harry and Meghan, well, they're eminently available. Just need to dress it up in something worthy, and bingo: by Royal Appointment.

Except it's not, and they are not. These showboating egotists are not working royals. They don't represent the Royal Family – even though they are acting as if they do. This must stop. Surely, King Charles cannot tolerate this shameless exploitation of the British monarchy, no matter how much he loves his son.

I hate to say it, Sir, but it's time to put your foot down. Before these pound-shop royals devalue the brand irreparably.

Labour MPs are quitting Twitter/X, with one saying Elon Musk has turned it into 'a megaphone for foreign adversaries and far-Right fringe groups'. It suited the Corbynistas and other far-Left groups when the Tories were in power. Perhaps they just don't like a taste of their own medicine.

Sharing molly-Mae's pain

My children (well, my daughter and her friends mainly) are all up in a heap about Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury breaking up. They've spoken of little else since the former Love Island contestant made it 'Instagram official'. 

I've always been fascinated why people are so invested in others' break-ups – especially when they don't even know them. But every generation does it. Burton and Taylor; Charles and Di; Brad and Angelina. Perhaps it's comforting to know that these seemingly perfect lives are, in truth, as complicated and messy as our own.

Tory leadership contender Kemi Badenoch has been rebuked for missing a hustings because she took her young family on holiday. When her rival Robert Jenrick was bizarrely asked what type of chocolate he would be, he said – in a very ungentlemanly jibe at her – 'Certainly not a flake'. 

In fact, Badenoch's decision should count in her favour. I've seen too many politicians neglect their families for the sake of politics: we want real people in charge, not power-hungry sociopaths.

It seems Donald Trump sabotaged his campaign with his relentless pursuit of Joe 'Sleepy' Biden. Kamala Harris is proving less of a pushover than anticipated. That said, those wanting to join her team are asked to indicate their preferred pronouns, such as He/him, She/her, Xe/xem or Fae/faer, which apparently applies to those identifying as fairies. As in 'away with'? A gift, surely, for The Donald's speech-writers.

Football's back! Hooray! No more riots until next summer.