Six simple steps to survive the WORST Thanksgiving ever: As raging blue-haired anti-Israel teens plunge into civil war with grumpy mad MAGA grandpas, read KENNEDY's unmissable - and hilarious - battle plan

It's that time of year again when we're forced into the company of relations who cause us angst and ulcers with every passive-aggressive verbal jab – only this year folks are passing on the passive as America's descended into all-out uncivil war.

With geo and national politics smoldering like a dumpster fire, could this Thanksgiving be any more fraught? As the late Chandler Bing might have wondered.

In the good ol' days you had to steel your spine for a little Turkey Day defense against Aunt Marlene's prosecutorial dissection of your love life, or wince and sigh at Grandpappy's mild racism during the football game.

Now it's a whole new kettle of boiling fish guts – with reluctant partygoers left guessing whether their blue-haired nephew is a flag-waving anti-Israel loudmouth who's ready to rid the family of oppressors in the name of 'freedom'.

From the river to the sea, can someone pass the gravy?

Not long ago, you'd kindly inform your host if you have a nut allergy; this year you may want to withhold that dietary nugget from your Gen-Z Columbia-educated cousin who might just sneak pistachios in the stuffing so you can finally learn what real suffering feels like.

And watch out for your second-mom's neighbor's friend Gladys who has that MAGA sticker stuck on her bumper. 'Don is our President! Stop the Steal!!' she cries as the second pour of rosé hits. Will someone please lock her up?

Between the re-emergence of Trump and war in the Middle East, people have lost all sense of themselves and civility and will stop at nothing to educate you on their truth.

Like an undercooked turkey, political entrenchments have bled more deeply into our lives than ever before, with even family gatherings – once mildly uncomfortable obligations – left on the brink of total catastrophe.

So what can be done to undo the damage before it starts? Follow my Six Point Plan to survive the holiday hostilities:

#1 Before dinner, everyone must sign a waiver promising to A) Not to bring up Gaza, climate change, immigration, abortion, Bidenomics or Meghan Markle. Then B) Have the fine print state that whoever violates these terms must pay all other attendees $100 each per violation. And finally, C) Calmly goad others into talking about their most explosive pet issue, slyly asking around the topic so they go broke while you clean up.

#2 if rule 1 fails, make up a drinking game with your few fellow Turkey Day rationalists. Drink every time someone brings up Biden's age, Mike Johnson's homophobia or Trump (including but not limited to his orange hue, Trump Derangement syndrome, how Melania is actually a stunt double, or January 6). Sit back and feel the sweet release from consciousness as you slip into a stupor and the bickering is drowned out by the more pleasant sound of your own dry heaves.

#3 Musical warfare: Pack a portable speaker or your least favorite CDs and set the blasting tunes to work drowning out the droners. I'm talking ear-splitting Christina Aguilera. Heck, it's not that long till Christmas, whack the Mariah Carey on. Alexa, blast Nickelback! After the fourth spin of 'Something In Your Mouth' your wearily woke relatives might get the message.

#4 When in doubt, hug it out. Nothing says 'I love you, now stop talking!' like an awkward embrace. If they start to kick up a fuss, simply fire up those loving arms and squeeze the hostilities away. The power of touch can be so… soothing.

#5 Speaking of – perhaps this is the year you take up creepy Uncle Rick's offer to race round the yard in the buff. 'Lose those tighty-whities,' he chants! Nothing stuns an argument-loving-disagreeable into silence quite like the sight of Granny streaking!

#6 There's no shame in the AWOL game. As a last resort, check-in to the resort. Bankrupt yourself booking that 2-star-rated Airbnb in Guam and spend the rest of your savings on a shriveled bouquet from flowers.com complete with 'wish you were here' note. Forget the FOMO, they'll all be fighting too much to notice you're gone.

If you do brave the madness, you know what you're in for, and now you have a few arrows in your quiver to navigate the scrubland of family scrapping.

Follow my steps to emerge victorious – and if it all falls flat, meet me at the bar. I'll have your 'I Survived Thanksgiving' t-shirt ready waiting.